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I am back [Aug. 21st, 2006|07:59 am]
I will probably start writing in this more now that I have started school. Woo Hoo! haha I should be done with Fresno City this semester...that is, if I pass all of my classes. SO much has happened this summer. Good times...I guess. But now, I must be off. Farewell!
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I hurt myself today [Jun. 30th, 2006|01:07 am]
I cut tonight. It was wonderful. It felt so greeat to actually be able to let myself enjoy it. My relationship with Ben seems like it is falling apart and he is my only reason to keep moving forward and progressing in my treatment, and he seems to be fading away...so why move forward? When the hope I had it gone and he gave up. So I give up. And I shall embrace the only thing that is going to help me make it through each day...my razor.

I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. He didn't try and find any way to see me tonight. He told me that the world isn't going to end if you don't see me. I felt like that wasn't very encouraging. I hate that. I wish he would say more positive things to me. He hasn't been lately and it hurts so bad. I hate life right now. I wish he would act differently. I wish he would act like he was before. School being over and him being with eric more seems to have changed him. I am so pathetic. I want to die. I wish that I didn't feel that way. I wish that a drastic change would come over me and I would just be happy forever. I want to feel different. But I don't want meds. I don't feel like there has been much progress in my life. I wish I wasn't so dependent. Well, I wish that Ben would let me be more depedent. I want to see him so bad. And I know that when I finally do see him, I am going to get angry with him and we are going to get into another arguement and he won't understand me and he will act insensitively. Why couldn't he just come see me reeal quick? Why does he have to listen to his friends? It's bullshit that he doesn't see eric a lot. He sees him way more now. And no duh, of course you are going to see me more than you see your friends...I am your girlfriend. That stuff happens, ya know. God, if you don't want to fucking be in this relationship anymore, just let me know. I want to know what is going on. I want to trust you, but things just seem so mixed up and everything that I am afraid you just don't feel the same way. if you did, you wouldn't be acting this way.

I need a new razor. I need to cut deeper. deeper. deeper. I was gonna take a bunch of pills tonight so that I can rest better, but I have to get up for work. I have to behave normally. i have to act like everything is okay when really all I feel like doing is just falling apart.

have you heard the song asleep by the smiths? it is good.

i hate myself and want to die.

I screamed tonight at the tops of my lungs, and npow my throat hurts. i was coughing a lot, too. I need to quit smoking.
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Shit, it has been a while [Jun. 27th, 2006|06:26 pm]
Life goes in and out of stinking. I work a lot...sometimes almost 40 hours, and now I am starting summer school at 8am days a week. All the while, I am trying to keep my relationship going.

I have this mental list where I add on hurtful things people have said to me. I seriously have never forgotten them, an, unfortunately, Ben has been added to that list.

My mom once said, "great, now we're going to have to tell the rest of the family you have mental problems"
My dad once said, "You fucked up your own life"
Nichole once said, "Do you really want me to go on about all the things you do wrong?"
Jeni once said I was going aginst the Bible.

Ben has said,

"Eric doesn't like it when you act like that?" (WTF does it matter what the hell eric thinks? are you going out with him now?)
"I'm not the one with problems" (implying that I am...thanks, Ben)
"You waste my time and energy by asking all these questions just so you can get me to talk more because you want all of my attention."

Now, I am realizing I rely on him too much to make me feel special. I have stopped taking meds. I have started cutting more. I still smoke. I occasionally drink. I like to get drunk. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate my dad. I wish that Ben and I were doing better. I am going to couseling once a week now instead of once everry 2 weeks. Argh.
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I need friends [May. 23rd, 2006|03:56 pm]
I need friends. Not just any type of friends, but a group of friends where I have a lot in common with the people. I need those types of friends. I get so lonely. I wish that I had a girlfriend to just call up and talk with her about the Bible study tonight and whether I should go or not. I am content with being a hermit and watching many episodes of Gilmore Girls, or just going over to my boyfriends house, but it would be healthy to get out with other people since I haven't seen them all in a few weeks. But I don't have that much in common with them so whenever I try to stand by them when they are having conversations, I really don't have a lot to say. I wish things could be like they were last summer when I had more friends near. I need to find a group of friends that have the same music taste as I do...so far Ben seems to be the only one. Not just music tastes, but the same type of humor. I dunno...people that click. I don't click with any of these people at the Bible study...but sometimes, I just get so lonely that I will go to it just so I can feel like, even if just for one night, I have girlfriends that care.
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FUCK FUCK FUCK [May. 23rd, 2006|12:50 am]
[Current Mood |pessimisticpessimistic]

I don't like my boyfriend reading this journal...probably because I want to use it to vent about things he may do in my life.

SO I still smoke, right? He doesn't like it. I was quitting, but when the car accident happened, I just stopped caring about everything I was trying to change. It all seemed useless. So I started smoking more(I bought a 20 pk of cigs instead of 10), I started drinking more soda, and I stopped trying to learn to love myself. He wants me to drink less soda: he asked how many I have had and said I should have no more. He sees me smoking then while at open mic night, he was acting down...so I ask whats wrong and he says nothing then says that he doesnt like me smoking, especially since it doesnt make my cough any better. which is so true. so after open mic night I said I was going to put my cigs in his glovebox and I will smoke again when I am better. then he asked me, what would you do if I throw them away? God, how stupid is he? Of course I am going to take them back. the chance of throwing them out got fucking ruined, dumbass. i took them back...but then at the end of the card ride, and me coughing more, I put them back knowing their fate. but also, on the way home, we were talking about how I dont believe him about some stuff. He will say some fact and I think his sources are wrong or sumthin...it's just hard for me to believe people when they are always joking around and telling me wrong shit. it's better if I just stay skeptical. then he had the bright idea to say that I am like my father. What the hell? I wonder is he knows if that pissed me off?

Also, I ran out of lithium...and I am already starting to act weird. God...I didn't think it would happen so fast! I talk lots more. I thought it was because I was lonely and when people finally came over for me to talk to, I was tlaking.; But I was talking a lot and being not me. well, not "lithium me". I need that medication! I want to be normal again. I want to love myself again. Or do I? It is so much easier this way. But I definitely do want my lithium. What I fucking hate is that I have to rely on Ben(my boyfriend) and he is unreliable. Well, I can rely on him...to get me there late! I want my own car! I want to be independent again!

Why did I have to be sooo fucking stupid and get into a damn car accident? I am usually a good driver. I hate myself so much. I can't believe I would do something so dumb. and now my family has to dig into their savings to get me a car so i am a financial burden on them. and I am a burden on all the people around me because i cant drive myself places. and the mornings and early afternoons...i am going to be so lonely! I was so lonely today. i watched almost 4 hours of Gilmore Girls. and I wish I was close to my mom like they are close.

i wish my mom didnt freak out when she saw my tattoo! she's blaming it on bens mom because i said she paid for it, even though i really did. i didnt want to get in trouble for it. and now she never wants to meet bens mom and dad because she said her husband lets her act like that. both my parents are like that. i just think my mom was jealous. if she would just spend some fucking time with me.

i should be more grateful. ben and my parents do so much for me. i am just an ungrateful bitch that deserves to die. I am going to cut.
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This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine [May. 22nd, 2006|05:43 pm]
"This little light of mine"

Maybe, if I would stop sneaking cigarettes, my cough would go away faster! But I have just stopped caring. I stopped caring because I was doing so well! I was starting to love myself, I was drinking more water, going on walks and then bam! Car accident and I feel like shit and stop caring about myself. I hate my life.
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I got in a car accident... [May. 14th, 2006|12:35 am]
[Current Mood |distresseddistressed]

I know I haven't been on lately...I have been busy with work.

On my way to work today, I was really emotional because of other events and was distraced while driving. This led to me realizing there was a car stopped in front of me so I slamed on my brakes and tried to swerve to the right to miss it, but I didn't. Her car was barely dented, however, my car was no so lucky. It is totally thrashed. The airbag deployed and hit me. I instinctively threw up my hands to block my face, I guess. So instead of my head hitting the airbag hard, it was my arms. It left red blotches all down the inside of my arms. It went away, though. At first, she was acting fine, until people came, then she started acting like she was hurt. So they took her away in an ambulance. They were asking me if I wanted to go, almost insisting...but I didn't want to cost any more money than what I already am.

So, unfortunately, I am out of a car. Which really sucks because I have summer school froom monday to thursday for 6 weeks. So that means my mom and Ben will be taking turns taking me. I feel so bad that other people are going to be driving me around. I hate being a burden on people. My parents said that if I come up with 1,000 dollars, then they will match it and we can find a new car for me. That will take a while, though. Hopefully I will be getting good hours at work.

I guess I bruised my thumb and my arm. Darn airbag, yet so good.

We were looking at Nichole's old car, but it doesn't have airbags and my parents don't want to take those chances, and neither do I.

My neck is starting to hurt...I don't know if it is from work or the accident.

I am sooo mad at myself for messing up like this! I hate myself so much. I always mess up somehow and this time it is really big. It doesn't seem real at all. I half expect myself to wake up and it were only just a bad dream...I wish that were the truth. I feel so bad that I caused someone else problems in their life. I feel so bad that I caused such a big scene...they had to block off that section of the road. I feel like everyone is blaming me...because, well, it was my fault. I never thought I would be stupid enough to get myself into a car accident.

It all happened so quickly. I was shaking so hard. I was so mad and scared. I didn't want my dad to freak out and be really angry with me. Because now I am going to be causing them financial trouble. They have to deal with driving me around all the time. I really don't know if this is going to work out or not.

Why did I have to do this? Why did God let this happnen? Why did today have to turn out so bad. I don't want this to happen to me. I want everything to run normal.

And now my brother is gone...he has moved out. So I am left with my parents and later my grandma. What if they are getting more stressed and they will soon be taking their anger out on me.

I want to fastforward though time so that I can finally get my car and live normally instead of being a burden and a hassle on everyone else.

I probably won't be able to focus on finals very well.

I was still shaking when I went into work. I can see any little thing going wrong and me just freaking out.

Why did I have to mess up so much? I hate myself.
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Swamp Cooler [May. 8th, 2006|07:02 pm]
Oh! I absolutely love when they turn on the swamp cooler! We are so bad ass because we have one! It smells and feel so great! When I was younger, I would walk through it pretending I was Alive in Wonderland. Yeah...haha.

I really am addicted to otter pops. Yum yum.
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So yeah... [May. 7th, 2006|11:11 am]
My tattoo is almost done healing. Yay! It was looking pretty gross for a while.

So I did get that job at Edwards and I got today to fill out paperwork. Woot woot.

I have a stupid essay to write. Urgh. Then after that, I have a presentation and only 2 tests to take. I really don't like school. I want to get out of Fresno and see other places. I don't want to get stuck here like so many other people have done.

The wedding for my brother is getting close! June 3rd!!! How exciting! He is going to be moving out, soon, too. Wow. There are going to be some big changes in this house. Because after he moves out, we are going to let our grandma move in to his room. Ugh. She is such a difficult person to live with! I am going to hate living in this house.

I can't wait for summer. I want to smell the swamp cooler. It is so nice. : ) And all the fun that comes with summer...can't wait for that. Hopefully this summer there will be some awesome adventures! Make good memories like I had done last summer. Oh...and I willl have a job, too. Hopefully that I will keep. : )

That's about it for now....farewell.
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This is really funny... [Apr. 30th, 2006|01:35 pm]
there is green paint in the shape of a cross on my bed. haha! i guess i should have tried to clean it off better? haha oh goodness...I hope it washes out!
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